god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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