I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
