I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize