so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
