The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
