My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
