Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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