She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
