that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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