My brain says no but my pants say off.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
