Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
