Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
