wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
