The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
