if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
