if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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