i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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