Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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