No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
