No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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