i would punch a child for taco bell
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
