True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
