someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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