Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
