take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
