I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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