I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
