Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
