We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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