remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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