it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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