Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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