I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
