My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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