well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
