And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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