i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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