hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize