o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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