I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
