He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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