barbara walters just said penis...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
