I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
