Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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