so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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