The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
