Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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