Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Drunk is a universal language darling
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