Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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