Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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