well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
