You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
