wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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