Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
