so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
