Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
