just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
