i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
