I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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