We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
